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20131101
20131130
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COM 71
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Search Results 0 to 49 of about 71 (some duplicates have been removed)
Comedy Central
Nov 28, 2013 1:35am PST
william gross. >> ordinary folks, the 99%, don't have any money anymore! the rich 1% and corporations do. developed economies work best when inequality and incomes are at a minimum. >> stephen: that is a sobering thought. metaphorically, of course. as soon as i heard it i got drunk. (laughter) the point is i'm choosing to believe that income inequality isn't as big a deal and doesn't need to change. here to tell me it is a big deal and needs to change is former labor secretary for president clinton and star of the new documentary "inequality for all" robert reich. mr. reich, thank you so much for joining us. (cheers and applause) you were on the show about three years ago sounding the alarm warning if we didn't do something it would tank economy or cause a revolution. three years later i'm richer than ever. i assume you're back here to apologize. >> no, i didn't tell you exactly when it would tank the economy and cause a revolution. i said if we continue in the same direction it's dangerous for the economy and dangerous for our democracy and i still think it is very dangerous. >> stephen
Comedy Central
Nov 4, 2013 9:30am PST
, maybe if you shouted "i love you steven." (audience complies. ) i don't know. (laughter) maybe if you whispered it. (audience complies) (laughter) folks, but no, no, i'm just -- i'm just too mad about obamacare, folks. (laughter) you see, the rollout has been one disaster after the next. actually, you can't even get to the next disaster, you get an error page that says 404: disaster not found. (laughter) well, folks, today the healthcare.gov web site has sunk to new dot-lows. jim? >> we've all become familiar with this smiling woman who has graced the front of the health care web site since its launch. well, check this out, she's gone. >> she's now been replaced screen right with some handy icons showing you the different ways you can sign up. no word on why the change. >> stephen: i'll tell you why the change-- death panels got her. (laughter) prove me wrong, obama! folks, this affects me very deeply. over the past month, obamacare lady and i grew very close. (laughter) i mean, we had an instant connection until it disconnected me. (laughter) still, we spent a lot of time together lo
Comedy Central
Nov 6, 2013 11:30pm PST
of the finger. (cheers and applause) folk, i don't have to till the kids have lost out of what is important, all they care about is their tweeting and their twerking, rubbing your butt against things should be reserved for revenge against your boss. that's why personally i'm grateful our kids have one reliable source of good values, television ads. >> today we're taking some kids on the best field trip they could wish for, and they done even know it. >> hi, guys. i'm ranger brad. welcome aboard. we're not going to waste any time. let's play name that leaf. what's this one? he says it is an oak leaf. it is a field maple, that's okay. i'm a big fan of trees, i done know if you can tempt but we're not going to the forest today, we're going to tois tois, guys. -- toys r us. welcome to the world's greatest toy store! toys r us has really captured the magic of having a stranger take your kids on a bus, lie about where they're going then take off his clothes and promise him toys. but more importantly, more pornly, i want to give a big tip of the hat to toys r us for reminding our kids that nature sucks
Comedy Central
Nov 25, 2013 7:00pm PST
the lgbhgtvlmnop crowd, okay. if are you not a premium member of tall women carrying heavy things.com, we don't need your kind around here. nation, you know i loves me the super bowl. it is the stanley cup of sports people actually watch. but lately there has been much controversy in the great game of football. for more this is the sport report. nation-- (cheers and applause) >> stephen: nation, i cannot begin to tell you how much of our childhood was spent on the gridiron because i have no recollection, should have worn a helmet. and my favorite nfl team is always been the washington redskins. but my team is facing some unnecessary roughness from the pc police. >> will the washington redskins be forced to change its name. at a meeting earlier this week leaders there the united indian nation asked the nfl to sanction team owner daniel snyder for continuing to use what they call a racial slur. >> for us, the r word is the "n" word. >> wrong. it's if the r word was the "n" word i wouldn't be able to say it on the air, watch this, redskin redskin redskin. see? (laughter) totally fine. now let me
Comedy Central
Nov 27, 2013 7:00pm PST
, wrong disaster. (laughter) you know what? you know what? i think cnn's the don lemon put obama's public implosion into the proper perspective. >> you won't find two politicians who've had worse weeks than president obama and toronto mayor rob ford. they've had a pretty bad week. (audience reacts) president obama saying sorry over and over for his so-called signature achievement, obamacare, rob ford admitting to be a crack smoker. (audience reacts). >> stephen: yes, obama is in the same tight spot as toronto's crack-smoking mayor. i mean, the parallels are everywhere, folks. both had press conferences-- and that's it. (laughter) but, folks, comparing the first black president to the first blackout mayor isn't unfair. it's not unfair at all because lemon made sure to ask several times whether it was unfair or not. >> is it fair, though, to compare the two crises? >> no, it's not fair to compare them at all. they're totally different. >> i'll ask you the same question. is it fair to compare the two crises? because it's about damage control not whether the two crises are equivalent. >> exac
Comedy Central
Nov 18, 2013 11:30pm PST
audience right there because you know what they don't get to say. here it is your moment of zen. >> is this political correctness gone too far? kevin? >> it doesn't deserve a comment. >> captioning sponsored by comedy central >> stephen: tonight, the president does damage control on obamacare. if you like your burst appendix, you can keep it. (laughter) then scandal surrounds a popular clothing line. apparently spanx is not an invitation. and my guest, steve mcqueen is director of the film "12 years a slave." it's the harrowing story of a non-superhero movie being made in hollywood. (laughter) butterball warns there may be a turkey shortage. apparently they were caught off guard by this whole thanksgiving thing. (laughter) this is "the colbert report." captioning sponsored by comedy central ( theme song playing ) ( cheers and applause ) (cheers and applause) (audience chanting "stephen"). >> stephen: not bad, not bad! welcome to the "report," everybody, good to have you with us. thank you so much, ladies and gentlemen. folks, tonight -- folks, thank you. i -- i thank you. i than
Comedy Central
Nov 14, 2013 7:00pm PST
fighter pilot turned mit professor of aeronaught you can and drone. >> i don't advocate shooting down drones because the good of drones outweighs any bad. >> give me one example. >> delivering medication and critical supplies people in small towns, bridge inspections, infrastructure inspections, crop health monitoring, crop dusting, these are applications that are very difficult for humans to do. >> okay. but tell her what they're really going to do with the drones, phil. >> drones could be used to enforce any law. >> any law. >> yes, including obamacare. >> i can't think of any possible way that we could tie in drones to obamacare. >> tell her, phil. >> many reasons to conduct surveillance. let's take smokers. how many people have smoke breaks, okay, fly a drone, oh, do you check nonsmoker on your health insurance form? oh, i'm sorry, we're going have to penalize you now. >> like to smoke, well here's your fire. but even with the threat of drones clear, residents are divided on drone hunting. >> part of it is yes and the other part no. >> i doubt i would go drone hunting. >> i think
Comedy Central
Nov 18, 2013 7:00pm PST
to temporarily halt their nuclear program for a period of six months. >> stephen: six months! you don't negotiate a deal with terrorists that last six months-- unless you're raising the debt ceiling. (laughter) folks, iran is a nation of radical muslims hell bent on acquiring nuclear weapons. we can't have nukes in the middle east. someone might bomb israel and then they'd have to use their nukes! (laughter) fortunately, the deal was stopped by our closest ally. >> france says forget it, no deal. >> the french just said look, pause, forget it. we want to halt the entire program. >> france was the country to stand up and say no to this. they said the deal was too easy on tehran. >> stephen: yes, france! the country that put the oui in "we give up." (laughter). (cheers and applause) folks, of the six-nation team -- we love it. we love france. (laughter) of the six-nation team negotiating with iran, only france had the escargots to say non and you know it was a band deal if france is turning down a six-way. (laughter) french foreign minister and butler in a grey poupon ad laurient fabius said "the a
Comedy Central
Nov 22, 2013 7:00pm PST
-busters, which i assume are cops who arrest female horses. ( laughter ) and i don't even believe the democrats are really against the filibuster. because their poster clearly says they're again-sts this spem. but they niewkd it. they went ahead and niewkd it. what's going to happen in washington now? something? we were this close to achieving a zen-like state of perfect government nothingness. not since buddha have so many fat, bald men worked so hard to do so little. ( laughter ) ( applause ) and folks i have to tell you it's not just the senate. i am sad to report america is losing the battle against gay marriage. the district of columbia and 16 states have legalized man-on mantwoimony including just last week hawaii. it's aloa traditional values, and aloha, gay marriage. ( laughter ) ( applause ) i wish i could assailant opposite. just last night, the government of illinois signed same-sex marriage legislation into law. you know who's happy about that? theee bears! worst of all, woferlt of all, our military has fallen prey to the homosexual gay agenda. three years ago they dropped don't ask
Comedy Central
Nov 26, 2013 7:00pm PST
known fact, folks, little known facts, i also have a prostate. i just don't brag about it. and in my screens i always tell the doctor forget one finger, use the whole hand. that way i won't have to come back for five years. called the five finger discount. and folks, i will not be out sweep swepted by the "today show". (applause) >> thank you. known no one has ever applauded for my prostate before. thank you. so nation, scrub up, scrub in, strap on and strap in because i'm about to get my own prostate check in stephen colbert's november sweeps prostacular. jimmy, juice it! >> november sweep prostacular. >> stephen: nation, welcome to the prostacular. gentlemen, bring out the privacy curtain, let's do it, guys. all right. nation, any newsman can get some old doctor to stick his digital up your analog. but sweeps is all about guest stars. >> did someone say guest stars? (cheers and applause) stars, john lithgow, john, i got to ask you, john, what are you doing here? >> stephen, i'm here to examine your prostate. (laughter) as research for an acting role. >> stephen: oh, what's the play
Comedy Central
Nov 12, 2013 11:30pm PST
announcement to make. i don't like barack obama. (laughter) there, i said it. where do i find the courage? i tell you why, folks, the man is a liar. remember how he sold us obamacare? >> if you like your insurance plan, you will keep it. >> stephen: but now millions of americans have had their coverage ripped from them. i believe it's the plot of "taken 3." (laughter) first it was his daughter, then his wife, now they've taken his health plan. (laughter) i have particular set of skills. yes, i'll hold. well, folks, we finally got the hard numbers on obamacare's disastrous first month. stop, hemmer time. >> fox's alert now. we get our first look at the obamacare enroll. numbers and this has a long way to go. "wall street journal" reports fewer than 50,000 americans successfully signed up. >> stephen: 50,000! to put that into perspective, that is fewer people than watch "up late" with alec baldwin. (laughter) just look at the numbers, folks. there are 48 million uninsured americans. that comes out to a .1% acceptance rate. so obamacare is 58 times harder to get into than harvard! (laughter)
Comedy Central
Nov 1, 2013 9:30am PDT
can't have your privacy violated if you don't know your privacy is violated, right? >> colbert: right. if you don't know your privacy was violated then it wasn't. it makes perfect sense if you don't think about it. folks, it is just like, it is just like when someone lies to you, technically they are telling you the truth as long as you never find out it was a lie. really, in the end, it is really an issue of trust. for example, i trust that my childhood dog skip is having fun chasing rabbits at that farm upstate. that remind me, happy 41st birthday, skipper, i hope you got that bone i sent you. now, congressman rogers, i believe gets it. privacy is not some physical thing that you can have or not have violated. it is a state of mind like zen. professor vladek, he, certainly even you agree with that. >> i disagree with that. i think if the tree falls in the forest and makes a noise whether you are there or not. >> colbert: yes, it makes a noise at the, that the nsa was listening to. and it is important that the tree never find out. or, rather, rather, let me give you another tree anal
Comedy Central
Nov 21, 2013 11:30pm PST
thanksgiving. don't beat a turkey. then, i sit down with j.j. abrams who is directing the new "star war "movies let's hope j.jvmentd doesn't stand for jar-jar. wait a minute a second, neil patrick harris is a mutant? this is the "colbert report. captioning sponsored by comedy central ( theme song playing ) ( cheers and applause ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: report to the report. thank you so much. thank you, ladies and gentlemen. thank you for joining us. i got a-- ( cheers and applause ) folks. thank you so much, ladies and gentlemen. thank you, folks. thank you for your support. thank you for joining us on this, the last day of america, because, folks, it is all over. i am-- i am packing up and getting out of this country and moving back to south carolina. ( cheers and applause ) and here's why-- >> breaking news, senate democrats vote to approve the so-called nuclear options. >> before the democrats voted to change the rules, the nuclear option through that up, totally changed the rules. >> they changed filibuster rules to end the 60 vote threshold. >> stephen: they used the nuclea
Comedy Central
Nov 4, 2013 7:00pm PST
. no i don't! (laughter) (cheers and applause) >> stephen: folks, with an ad like that one one of them can't lose. (laughter) nation, you watch the show, you know my middle name is "danger." but my first name is "we're all in" and my last name is "run for your lives." this is the threatdown. (cheers and applause) folks, traditional marriage is under attack and this time it's not just from the gays-- although i've got to say, they're not helping. look at neil patrick harris' family halloween photo. (audience reacts) "come to my house, i have fun-sized snickers." (laughter) no, the real threat to marriage is threat number three: divorce. didn't see that coming, did you? now, divorce has never been great for a marriage, but according to a new study, divorce is contagious. which i've suspected for a long time. that's why i always did "larry king live" in a hazmat suit while holding a canary. (laughter) i was okay. (applause) i was okay but larry did hit on the canary. (laughter) no means no, larry. now, according to a three-decade study by brown university researchers-- although really it'
Comedy Central
Nov 20, 2013 11:30pm PST
don't know about you, but i'm ready for some trink ling lights and frosty the snowman, and walking in a winter wonderland. speaking of snow, cocaine. sad, drug-related news this week, and like most sad news, it comes from washington. jim? >> republican trey radel of florida today pleaded guilty to cocaine possession. >> he purchased three and a half grams of cocaine from an undercover officer. >> the tea party favorite represents florida's 19th district. >> stephen: yes, this rising tea party star was caught in a coke bust. apparently he forgot the part of the tea party story where you dump the product in the harbor before the cops show up. folks, personally, i hate to lose a congressman so fiscally conservative that i'm sure he snorted his blow through a $1 bill. and so committed to family values, folks, that he actually voted to drug test people who receive food stamps ( booing ) no, no, no. he's not a hypocrite. because he doesn't get food stamps from the government. just his paycheck. but you know what i can't say i'm surprised. i'm been on the cocaine congress beat since robe
Search Results 0 to 49 of about 71 (some duplicates have been removed)